Thursday 29 August 2013

Vampires ruined forever.

Happy 200th anniversary to the word “vampire” in the English language (to the year, not the day) and to vampires being ruined forever.

1813: Lord Byron introduces “vampire” to the English language. Vampires ruined forever.
1819: The Vampyre. Vampyres ruined forever.
1828: The Skeleton Count, or The Vampire Mistress. Vampires ruined forever.
1845-47: Varney the Vampire. Vampires ruined for 667,000 words.
1872: Carmilla. Sexy vampires ruined sexily forever.
1897: Dracula. He has hairy hands. Vampires ruined forever.
1922: Nosferatu. Vampires’ ability to go out in the sun ruined forever.
1931: Bela Lugosi. Vampires’ accents and dress code ruined forever.
1936: Dracula’s Daughter. Vampires ruined by the Hays Code.
1954: I Am Legend. In a surprising development, zombies ruined forever.
1966–71: Dark Shadows. Vampires ruined for mid-afternoons.
1969: Vampirella. Sensible costuming ruined forever.
1971: Count Chocula. Teeth ruined for breakfast.
1972: Sesame Street. Obsessive-compulsive vampires ruined forever. Ah-ah-ah!
1972-79: Tomb Of Dracula. By Marv Wolfman. Wolfmen ruined forever.
1976: Interview With The Vampire. Interviews ruined forever.
1979: Bunnicula. Rabbits ruined forever.
1979: Bela Lugosi’s Dead. Vampire-themed party playlists ruined forever.
1987: The Lost Boys is more successful than Near Dark. Best Of lists ruined forever.
1991: Vampire: The Masquerade. Kindred ruined forever.
1992: Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Accents ruined forever.
1992: Buffy ruined forever, until 1997, when she ruins vampires forever.
2000: Darren Shan tries really hard to ruin vampires forever.
2001: Sookie Stackhouse’s reputation in Bon Temps ruined forever.
2005-08: Twilight. Vampires and werewolves ruined forever.
2006-10: Vampire Academy. Academies ruined forever.
2009: The Vampire Diaries. Diaries ruined forever. Also doppelganger plots.
2013: Jonathan Rhys Meyers will attempt to ruin vampires forever. We wish him well.

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